Not finding a career I like
22 years and too many months. That’s my age and yet, I don’t know what career I want to pursue. I have been to college; I have 2 degrees. Sort of. I did plenty of activities, been to plenty of events, tried plenty of projects and internships. Still have no idea what I actually want. So much that I’ve just been throwing around my cv at everything that seems remotely interesting.
This is very shameful to admit. I graduated high school with honors and ended up in a very ‘Elite’ school in my country. Before that however, I was accepted abroad and couldn’t go because I was too young for my parents. This screwed up a lot later. When joining this school, I made friends with a type of people that were overachievers, smarter than the general public and definitely less street smart than most people.
I have always been sort of street smart and I have always enjoyed it. It served me well in high school, but when you’re in class with a big lot of smart-smart people and you’re just starting college, you don’t see it as an advantage, you see it as a disadvantage.
I struggled a lot with confidence, mental issues and very toxic or useless relationships. I also, lost sight of why I was there. I didn’t focus on my studies so as learn but just to survive and prove something? I’m not even sure what anymore. A big part of e was just scared of failing because then I would somehow less than everyone else. This took a big toll on me, by my second year I was failing classes, I was working very hard but with very little focus. One other big factor came in, delusions. I used to think of my past acceptance and somehow genuinely believe that I didn’t belong and should just focus on leaving. Needless to say, that with my back-then mental instability and pretty shitty grades, I didn’t go anywhere.
This was a pattern in university. Catching myself failing, wondering why and never quiet figuring it out, patching what I can and moving on. Somehow, I actually passed and graduated. But every choice, almost every action, reaction, friendship, achievement was so badly planned that I ended up with a very confusing portfolio and even a more confused motivation. By the last few weeks of my master thesis I genuinely self-sabotaged by not working and I didn’t even read my thesis fully, I was too ashamed of it.
Because of the encouragement of my friends and family, or what they thought was encouragement; I actually did it, graduated, got that Acceptance I Was looking for, proved everyone ‘nothing’ and well, I cried on the way home. It was an empty success, there was no real reason or real motivation behind my finishing it. I wasn’t proud of me; I was relieved that I didn’t fail. That sucked! I wish I had failed; I may have had a bit of time and distance to look back at it and find a better reason to do it or not do it. Have the courage to stand up and just not do it.
After graduation, things kind of went to hell because even though I was getting plenty of opportunities thanks to my ‘street-smarts’, I kept flopping them. On one interview I actually just sat there and kept answering I don’t know the answer. I knew the answer, I just didn’t have the courage to answer the guy and maybe be wrong. On another interview, it was going pretty well and then he asked: ‘do you think you can do it?’ (there is an actual context I just don’t want to go into much detail) and I answered ‘I am not sure, I guess I have to try’, if this was true it would be okay but it was not. IT WAS NOT TRUE. I know I could get that done in my sleep! And yet, somehow, I couldn’t say so.
Since then, I came a long way and I worked on myself quiet a lot and I have been reliving a lot of those moment in my head. I don’t think we know how much we sabotage ourselves when we’re in the heart of the storm. And I can truthfully say it’s horrifying to look back and realize the depth of the shit I was going through. Sometimes I wish I can go back, but most of the time I don’t. I know that the only way from here is forward and it’s within acceptance. The acceptance that even though I passed university, I screwed up university. And even though I did a lot of good and I achieved a lot to be proud of, I will never be able to be truly proud of my achievements. They’re all tainted with this meaningless pursuit. They were all done for too many wrong reasons. And so, as I close that book, I have to accept it for what it is. And let it go.
For future hard work I hope to put out there, I know I need to start with a better why, a deep enough why. And if ever I end up somewhere out of pure luck or ‘life’, I need to either figure out a why or leave. Never again should I compromise on priorities and depth within my own life choices.
So no, I don’t have a career yet and I don’t have much idea about what my career ‘should be’. However, I do have a job, a creepily overactive mind and lots of time (or not). Hopefully, these will be enough to go forward toward what I want my life to be, whichever career gets me there.
