The time I had to leave!
When I left my first job after graduation, many people wondered what the hell I was doing. Giving up a stable, good paying position at such a good company made no sense. Many arguments were made and my parents were even more perplexed as they knew I was too strong headed to change my mind but they worried anyways. Here’s the thing, I knew what I was doing, even though I didn’t know exactly what I was doing.
On my last day on the job, I reserved a ticket to go visit my best friend abroad. It was wild, and quite incredible. I went to her after a week, during that week I applied to countless positions and did all the tasks I had been waiting for months to do. I was busy all week, so much that I barely gave anything any thought. It was all a blur. Until that Friday morning when I headed to my plan. Even then, I was so excited to see my friend that I remember not caring about a thing. 24h later when I arrived, we met, Oh that hug! We had dinner and talked till 2am and then the next morning reality hit. She was sick so I helped out around the house, the weekend was so short. Monday when she left to work, I had to sit there when I woke up and a sort of chill came over my body. Who the hell am I and why am I here?
Those questions stay with me through my 11 days in morocco and persist until I come to a peaceful agreement with myself. The final resolution was, I’m a work in progress, both professionally and emotionally. Also, I don’t know where I am going, no one every actually does. All I know is what I want to achieve and I know I’m constantly and consistently working my way towards it, and that is good enough.
When I come back home, I accept a job offer I received while on the trip and start preparing myself to start while working on other personal projects. This period of 1month and a half was one of the most beneficial decisions I ever took. I invested all of my money, had to fight very hard against my parents and my own fears to be allowed to do it, and I was right. I had to do my transitioning the right way. Traveling and rediscovering myself was my right way.
In my first job, there were many mistakes that I made and many opportunities I took advantage of to grow. First, I was overqualified for the job but I accepted it and settled for it anyways because of the amount of frustration I was in. The harsh realities of the world we find as soon as we step out of university can make us do very stupid things. I was rejected many times for multiple reasons that I never quiet found logical and then when this came along, I just swallowed my pride and did it. Big mistake.
Second, when on the job, I tried to silence my opinion and thoughts and do my best to fit in. There was a lot of frustration in this practice as I am a very opinionated and curious person. I love to question things, understand them deeply and improve every aspect of what I’m doing if possible. In an environment that is set in its ways and quite comfortable with mediocrity, being this way is a big disadvantage. I was criticized for my opinions and I was discouraged of doing my work and even blamed for any innovative methods or thoughts. It was very hard to poor so much energy into constantly shutting my brain up and fitting in. By my 6th week, I suffered from an anxiety attack that required me to go see the doctor and then have a 2day leave to ‘rest up’.
A week after, I went to see a psychologist that diagnosed me with depression. Here’s the thing, I wasn’t depressed, or at least not yet. Now as I look back, I was tired, disappointed, sad and mostly angry but that was not depression, that was burn-out. On the bus ride back home that day I decided to quit and travel and that, even if it meant staying home, I would not settle for less than I deserve.
When I was quitting, I heard opinions and speeches that made me lose hope in that company even more. I was told by my manager that there were no Algerian companies that ‘do BI’ anyways. And even if there were, they wouldn’t hire a newbie. I heard that I am being an idiot letting go of such a secure position. That the salary was by far the best in the field and that this company was the best in the world. (I KID YOU NOT!) And whether these people genuinely believed what they were saying or just did this to help their ‘image’, I don’t care. I tried multiple times to answer and give my opinion in such discussions, but they were completely closed to the thought that they may be wrong. Even my friends who were my age and generation were completely against the idea. After a couple tries, I stopped saying much, I would thank them for the advice, smile and walk away.
Needless to say, they were actually wrong, I do work in BI now, I have a better salary and in my new job I laugh every day and I look forward to being in the office. That’s about everything I wanted in a position.
However, reaching this wasn’t going to happen had my body not been crystal clear with me about what it likes and what it can’t take. Hypocrisy and toxicity are out of the question. Also, listening to the signs and learning to shut people out when you’re confident of your own choice. It proved to be much harder than I thought. As a girl that was told to be a ‘good girl’ and ‘always listen to your elders’, I guess I’m not a kid anymore and this advice doesn’t apply anymore.
